Too Long

It has been too long. Too long since regular feasting at the Lord's table. There have been daily devotionals, more prayer, maybe even more time in the Word. These things are more consistent than in the past. But not feasting. Life has become so busy with legitimate-- even blessed--- demands, and my spirit is so slow to quiet. I find myself missing the opportunities to take whatever time necessary, missing even the storm's eye of dark days when I screamed out anger and pain, because His presence was so sweet, so patient, so gracious, so peace-giving, so comforting. I miss the tears-streaming fellowship of just Him, reaching into my soul and filling me with the overwhelming confidence of His love.

Jesus, I miss You. Can we get back together?

Nice, not Naughty

This Christmas season, I've been pondering about how difficult it is to be nice.  Not-so-nice is easy, even our natural style.  Therein lies the rub.  I want to be good, but continually fail.  Santa might flunk me.

I adore Christmas.  Time with family is precious and sweet.  The lights and decor are spectacular.  The generosity and thoughtfulness of gift-giving is genuinely heart-warming.  The trimmings are lovely, but they're ... trimmings, not the main affair.   At the end of the day, I still have to work through the better person I want to be, may even be becoming (slowly) but am not yet.  Life provides a constant test of character, when things don't always get better; in fact, they often seem to deteriorate into mind-numbing gel.  The self so easily becomes a prison, even when I determine to be selfless.

So the real deal, the golden nugget of Christmas, gets down to Jesus, the Savior who came to the stable.  His remarkable words are my beacon:

"Then the righteous will shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father." - Jesus (Mt 13:43a)

Herein lies my Christmas hope.  Jesus came to bring me- and all takers- the ultimate gift: His own righteousness, His own good nature, His own amazing soul.  He paid a heavy price to provide this gift, which makes it an even greater treasure.  Someday, when I abandon this rapidly challenged tent of a body, I will indeed be much more than nice.  Just as the sun's compulsion is to literally explode with light, my very nature will be goodness and love that burst out effortlessly.  The endless exhaustion of doing battle with that narcissistic old nature will be done forever.  What an incomprehensible and glorious future!  Thank You, Jesus!

Good

I have a theory. It's based on personal observation. It may be totally limited or erroneous, but here it is:

Children of abuse question themselves.
Children of loss question God.

Children of abuse may assume God is also abusive-- that He is unpleasable, critical, unkind, frightening, unloving, not compassionate. They may know the facts about the Lord, Who says He is love, and may be certain they believe it. However, they function as children of an abusive Father, always expecting to be slammed. Deep down, they wonder why the Lord considered it okay to place such an abusive person in their life. They debate if it was somehow their fault, because they balk at labeling the abusive person for what they are or were. They are confused about what is obvious to others about acceptable behavior, because their boundaries have been bludgeoned for so long.

Children of loss may assume that God does not know what He's doing or just does a bad job. They cannot fathom why it could ever be right to lose that significant person when the timing is generally considered too soon. They are angry at that person for abandoning them and angry that God allowed it, and they take issue with His choices. Their lives may play out as a continuing study in perceived unfairness. God seems manipulative, petty, and uncaring. They will never be one of His favorites, or He would not have permitted the loss to happen in the first place.

Both categories may or may not be aware of the conclusions they've come to, or how they got there. Both ultimately come to the same place. They question whether God is truly Good.

I understand these perspectives.  I am sympathetic.  I was the child of the first category.  I cannot offer a simple cure.  I can only say that the goodness of God has become my anchor, in part because it in stark contrast to the self-recrimination and fear that abuse caused in my life.  The Lord rescued me.  He redeemed my failures.  He became my ultimate Father.  Without that to cling to, my life would be in shambles.  He said He is good.  I have tasted and I have seen. I believe.

Perhaps that is the cure.  Start your stand there.  Ask Him to show you.  Believe.  He is Good.

sycamore christmas

Sycamore Christmas

Christmas is stealing into the house

Slipping satin-toed ‘round frosty panes

Sliding on to the murmuring bayberry hearth

There entreating the embers to flames

And the belly-bowed balls of scarlet and plum

Are chanting from tinsel-downe beds

Joined by whispering angels and drummers and deer

And apple-cheeked children on sleds:

Let it come! Let it come!

Let the holly be hung!

Let the garland appear on the stairs!

Let the table be spread—

Dressed in green, blue, and red—

And let candles cast gold on the chairs.

Let the tree reach on high—

Take a star from the sky

For its crown, and let ribbons be tied

To cascade from its arms

Decked in bells, bows, and charms,

And let fancy and lace trim each side.

Then let carols be sweet—

Sung at home, in the street,

‘Round the fire—for it’s Heaven we savor

As children; and then, let us kneel once again

Full of love for Jesus, our Savior.

-JoanneA

1991

(edit-2012)

Christmas - when it's tough

For those in difficult situations this Christmas— facing trials of health, finance, and heartbreak: 

“There are prayers that break the backs of words: they are too heavy for any human language to carry.”
-Spurgeon

Praying you will know— when words and prayers stumble— the Spirit is praying for you, Jesus is praying for you. May The Lord’s love be the light of your Christmas, the fire at which your heart is warmed and made strong. 

“Be strong and of good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”
(Deuteronomy 31:5-7)

the wow factor

Sooooo limited. Sooooo short-sighted. Sooooo entrapped in our own humanity. That's us. At least, that's me! I do not consider myself an observant person, and too much input overwhelms me. I can't see the tree because there is a forest in front of me. Consequently, I often operate under unconscious assumption. Fortunately, the Holy Spirit is always working on break-through moments for me, when He shines His light in a new way on something I considered an old lesson.

Like Psalm 139:17-18. Yeah, yeah, I get it already, ya? You think about me a lot, Lord, and that's very nice. When I journal during my devotions, I write down some of the things You've spoken to my heart, and they comfort and direct me. That has happened so often, I've lost count.

But right there my thinking is already askew. I've been inadvertently functioning as if You are only thinking of me at that moment. Like You showed up at our appointment; You faithfully do. Oh, Lord! How do You manage to not get insulted by how I think about You?!?! You're trying to say so much more!

Here's what You're REALLY saying:

You think about me ALL THE TIME.
You are never NOT thinking about me.
You do this for billions of people on the planet at all times.
I don't get that; I don't have to.
It's the wow factor.
You can do that because You're God.
I don't get it because I'm not.
All I know is You have shown Yourself to be constantly intimately aware of the emotions and confusions I hide from myself. You crack this nut open again and again, undeniably. You are so far ahead of the curve... Wait. You created the curve.

I have to agree with David:

"Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it." Psalm 139:6

The Lord has to dismantle the dividing wall between Him and me continually. He knows I simply cannot get my brain around Him and He is okay with that.

Thank You, Lord!!!

preaching to yourself

The day I first heard this expression, an older warrior of the faith said it from the pulpit to my pastor, who was sitting in the front pew shortly after his son's funeral. That kernel of wisdom found good soil. My pastor has since then shared - more than once - that he has to preach to himself when grief threatens to take him down.

A perfect example of preaching to oneself is Psalm 27. I used to think this Psalm was the product of what I'd call a good day - a day when skies are blue and all's right with the world. Now my perspective is different: David was preaching to himself because he needed it.

The Lord is my light, and my salvation;
Whom then should I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?

I think David WAS afraid when he wrote this; he was being tested, tried, pushed to the limit. He needed a fortifying gulp of truth to hold onto in the middle of the game. So he reminded himself (paraphrased!)

Those cannibals have come after me before,
out to eat me alive.
True enemies of all that is good,
they stumbled and fell.
Therefore, even if a riot is breaking out in my front yard
or World War III comes to my doorstep
I will still be confident in the Lord's care.

If you're not a soldier, it's easy to minimize the real danger David experienced frequently; but he was in harm's way countless times. The threats to our security are similar-- guerrillas that attack stealthily, viciously. David, like us, longed for sanctuary.

The Lord knows that more than anything
I am longing for His company and Heaven;
My whole life is saturated with that daily hope.
Whenever the Lord's beauty becomes apparent,
and I'm listening for His voice and direction,
my appetite for eternal things only increases.

David spoke with faith that had been pressed before. If he could set his focus on the Lord, his fears would shrink:

The Lord is going to whisk me into His tent
right in the middle of the battle.
His presence will be like a secret hiding place
as safe as a high rock or eagle's crag.
My perspective will be transformed
and my enemies will look puny.
So here I go!
I'm going to worship You, Lord,
and take joy in You though I don't feel it;
it will be my offering of faith.
Yes, I'm going to sing to You right NOW.

I can imagine David breaking into song, maybe even on the battlefield, sword in hand. He didn't know Jesus, Messiah, but I'm pretty sure the Lord Jesus was with him! Finally, after all this self-preaching, David poured out his soul. It was such an honest, heartfelt plea!

Lord, please hear me!
I'm crying out to You!
Have mercy on me!
Answer me!
You told me to hunt for Your fellowship
and I determined to seek You.
Please don't hide Your presence from me
or turn away from me in anger.
You are my One True Help;
Don't leave me or forsake me, Savior!

Peace and truth started infiltrating David's soul. The Lord was there for him when his father and mother thought he was an unworthy nobody; the Lord would not fail him now. David took a cleansing breath and came back from the edge. His prayer became specific to his situation.

Lord, I need your instruction and leading on this battleground;
Show me the best path through this army of enemies.
Don't let them have their way with me--
They are liars; I smell violence on their breath.

What follows is one of my favorite scriptures, right from the lips of the guy Jesus called "the man after God's own heart." David honored the Lord by believing in the immediacy of the Lord's help in the here and now. His courage powered up, right there in the war zone, with the arrows and spears whizzing around his head.

I would have lost all heart and walked away
if I did not believe this:
I will see the Lord's goodness revealed
this side of eternity;
So I will wait for Him.
I will be bold in Him.
He will strengthen this quaking heart.
Watch for it! It's not over yet!
Expect the Lord.

So, Lord, my Father, I am scouring the horizon, and leaning forward, to catch a glimpse of Your hand. You will never, no never, leave or forsake me. You do not abandon the work of Your hands. You work all things together for good. You will be faithful to complete what You have begun. You ARE my light and my salvation, the strength of my life. Thank You, Lord. I praise You now and take my refuge in You.